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'You'll be a long time waiting I get there at eleven.'
'Eleven it is.'
I shook his hand and walked out of the door a free woman. Sometimes help
arrives from the last place you expect it.
7
The Literary Detectives
GOLIATH CORPORATION PUBLISH BROAD DENIAL
The Goliath Corporation yesterday attempted to head off annoying and
time-wasting speculation by issuing the broadest denial to date. 'Quite
simply, we deny everything,' said Mr Toedee, the Goliath head
PR operative, 'including any story that you might have heard now or in the
future.' Goliath's shock tactics reflected the growing unease with Goliath's
unaccountability, especially over its advanced weapons division. 'It's very
simple,' continued Mr Toedee, 'until we have been elevated to a faith when
everything can be denied using the "Goliath work in mysterious ways" excuse,
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we expressly deny possessing, or any involvement with, the Ovinator,
anti-smote technology, "Speed-grow" tomatoes or Diatrymas running wild in the
New Forest. In fact, we don't know what any of these things are.' To cries of
'What is an
Ovinator?' and 'Tomatoes?', Mr Toedee declared the press conference over,
blessed everyone and departed.
Article in
The Toad on Sunday
. 3 July 1988
I found Bowden fretting in the LiteraTec office and related what had happened.
'Well, well,' he said at last, 'I think old Braxton's got a crush.'
'Oh, stop it!'
The office we were sitting in resembled a large library in a country house
somewhere. It was two storeys high, with shelves crammed full of books
covering every square inch of wall space. A spiral staircase led to a catwalk
which ran around the wall, enabling access to the upper galleries. It was neat
and methodical
but somehow less busy than I remembered.
'Where is everyone?'
'When you were here last we had a staff of eight. Now it's only Victor, me and
Malm. All the rest were reassigned or laid off.'
'All SpecOps departments?'
Bowden laughed.
'Of course not! The bully boys at SO-I4 are alive and well and answer to
Yorrick Kaine's every order.
SO-1 haven't seen many cuts, either '
'Thursday, 'what a delightful surprise!'
It was Victor Analogy, my old boss here at the Swindon LiteraTecs. He was an
elderly gentleman with large mutton-chop sideburns, dressed in a neat tweed
suit and bow tie. He had taken off his jacket owing to the summer heat but
still managed to cut a very dashing figure, despite his advanced age.
'Victor, you're looking very well!'
'And you, dear girl. What devilry have you been up to since last we met?'
'It's a long story.'
'The best sort. Let me guess:
inside fiction?'
'In one.'
'What's it like?'
'It's quite good, really. Confusing at times and subject to moments of extreme
imaginative overload, but varied and the weather's generally pretty good. Can
we talk safely in here?'
Victor nodded and we sat down. I told them about Jurisfiction, the Council of
Genres and everything else that had happened to me during my tenure as
Bellman. I even told them loosely about my involvement in
The Solution of Edwin Drood
, which amused them both no end.
'I've always wondered about that,' mused Victor thoughtfully. 'But you're sure
about Yorrick Kaine being fictional?'
I told him that I was.
He stood up and walked to the window.
'You'll have a hard time getting close,' said Victor thoughtfully. 'Does he
know you're back?'
'Definitely,' said Bowden.
'Then you could be threatening his position as absolute ruler of England
almost as much as President
Formby. I should keep on your toes, my girl. Is there anything we can do to
help?'
I thought for a moment.
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'There is, actually. We can't find which book Yorrick Kaine has escaped from.
He could be using a false name and we should contact any readers who might
recognise the Chancellor's somewhat crazed antics from an obscure character
they might have encountered somewhere. We at Jurisfiction have been going
through the Great Library at our end but we've still drawn a blank every
character in fiction has been accounted for.'
'We'll do what we can, Thursday when can you rejoin us?'
'I don't know,' I answered slowly, 'I have to get my husband back. Remember I
told you he was eradicated by the Chrono-Guard?'
'Yes; Lindane, wasn't it?'
'Landen. If it wasn't for him I'd probably stay inside fiction.'
We all fell silent for a moment.
'So,' I said cheerfully, 'what's been happening in the world of the
LiteraTecs?'
Victor frowned.
'We don't hold with the book-burning lark of Kaine's. You heard about the
order to start incinerating
Danish literature?'
I nodded.
'Kierkegaard's works are being rounded up as we speak. I told Braxton that if
we were asked to do any of it we'd resign.'
'Oh ah.'
'I'm not sure I like the way you said that,' said Bowden.
I winced.
'I agreed to be the SO-14 Danish Book Seizure Liaison Officer for Flanker
sorry. I didn't have much of a choice.'
'I see that as good news,' put in Bowden. 'You can have them searching in
places where they won't find any Danish books. Just be careful. Flanker has
been suspicious ever since we said we were too busy to find out who was
planning to smuggle copies of
The Concept of Dread to Wales for safe-keeping.'
Bowden laughed and lowered his voice.
'It wasn't an excuse.' He chuckled. 'We actually were too busy gathering
copies of banned books ready for transportation to Wales!'
Victor grimaced.
'I really don't want to hear this, Bowden. If you get caught we'll all be for
the high jump!'
'Some things are worth going to jail for, Victor,' replied Bowden in an even
tone. 'As LiteraTecs we swore to uphold and defend the written word not
indulge a crazed politician's worst paranoic fantasies.'
'Just be careful.'
'Of course,' replied Bowden, 'it might come to nothing if we can't find a way
to get the books out of
England the Welsh border shouldn't be a problem since Wales aligned itself
with Denmark. I don't suppose you have any ideas how to get across the English
border post?'
'I'm not sure,' I replied. 'How many copies of banned books do you want to
smuggle anyway?'
'About four truckloads.'
I whistled. Things like cheese, for instance were usually smuggled to
England. I didn't know how in
I'd get banned books out
.
'I'll give it a shot. What else is going on?'
'Usual stuff,' replied Bowden. 'Faked Milton, Jonson, Swift . . . Montague and
Capulet street gangs . . .
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someone discovered a first draft of
The Mill on the Floss entitled
The Sploshing of the Weirs
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